Personal boundaries

{{Short description|Values set to limit a person's interactions}} {{Use dmy dates|date=February 2020}}

'''Personal boundaries''' or the act of '''setting boundaries''' is a life skill that has been popularized by self help authors and support groups since the mid-1980s. Personal boundaries are established by changing one's own response to interpersonal situations, rather than expecting other people to change their behaviors to comply with your boundary.<ref name="Pearson">{{Cite news |last=Pearson |first=Catherine |date=2023-03-08 |title=How to Set Boundaries With a Difficult Family Member |language=en-US |work=The New York Times |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2023/03/08/well/family/boundaries-family-nedra-glover-tawwab.html |access-date=2023-03-12 |issn=0362-4331}}</ref> For example, if the boundary is to not interact with a particular person, then one sets a boundary by deciding not to see or engage with that person, and one enforces the boundary by politely declining invitations to events that include that person and by politely leaving the room if that person arrives unexpectedly. The boundary is thus respected without requiring the assistance or cooperation of any other people.<ref name="Pearson" /> Setting a boundary is different from making a request.<ref name="Modern Love">{{Cite news |last=Martin |first=Anna |last2=Goldberg |first2=Reva |last3=Lang |first3=Emily |last4=Land |first4=Davis |last5=Djossa |first5=Christina |last6=Pearl |first6=Amy |last7=Curtis |first7=Sara |last8=Poyant |first8=Jen |last9=Levy |first9=Lynn |date=2025-04-23 |title=You’re Probably Thinking About Boundaries All Wrong |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/23/podcasts/relationship-boundaries-modern-love.html |access-date=2025-04-29 |work=The New York Times |language=en-US |issn=0362-4331 |quote=Asking your mom not to talk to you about weight in and of itself is not a boundary, it’s just a request.}}</ref> Setting a boundary is also different from issuing an ultimatum.<ref name="Johnson">{{cite web |last1=Johnson |first1=R. Skip |title=Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits |url=http://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries |accessdate=June 10, 2014 |publisher=BPDFamily.com}}</ref>

The concept of ''boundaries'' has been widely adopted by the counseling profession.<ref name="lundberg">G. B. and J. S. Lundberg, ''I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better'' (2000) p. 13. ISBN 978-0-670-88485-8</ref> Universal applicability of the concept has been questioned.<ref name="Scherlis2023">{{cite news |last1=Scherlis |first1=Lily |title=Boundaries are suddenly everywhere. What does the squishy term actually mean? |url=https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jul/14/what-are-relationship-boundaries-jonah-hill |work=The Guardian |date=14 July 2023 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20230731050745/https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jul/14/what-are-relationship-boundaries-jonah-hill |archive-date=31 July 2023 |url-status=live |quote=...the basic concept has received shockingly little critical attention}}</ref>

==Concept== A boundary is a rule that affects the behavior of the person who chooses to make the rule.<ref name="Caron" /> The point of a boundary is to control one's own reaction, rather than controlling other people's behavior.<ref name="Caron" />

Author and therapist K. C. Davis says "boundaries are an internal understanding of where I end and where you begin. It’s where my feelings end and your feelings begin. It’s where my ability to affect my own decisions and actions end, and your decisions and actions begin."<ref name="Modern Love" />

Setting boundaries does not always require telling anyone what the boundary is or what the consequences are for transgressing it.<ref name="Graham" /> For example, if a person decides to leave an unwanted discussion, that person may give an unrelated excuse, such as claiming that it is time to do something else, rather than saying that the subject must not be mentioned.

==Usage and application== Setting and enforcing boundaries is usually emotionally uncomfortable and requires effort from the person setting the boundary.<ref name="Pearson" />

Co-Dependents Anonymous recommends setting limits on what members will do to and for people and on what members will allow people to do to and for them, as part of their efforts to establish autonomy from being controlled by other people's thoughts, feelings and problems.<ref>{{cite book|title=Setting Boundaries: Meditations for Codependents (Moment to Reflect)|date=August 1995|publisher=Harpercollins|isbn=9780062554017}}</ref>

The National Alliance on Mental Illness tells its members that establishing and maintaining values and boundaries will improve the sense of security, stability, predictability and order, in a family even when some members of the family resist. NAMI contends that boundaries encourage a more relaxed, nonjudgmental atmosphere and that the presence of boundaries need not conflict with the need for maintaining an understanding atmosphere.<ref>{{cite web|last1=Bayes|first1=Kathy|title=Setting Boundaries In A Marriage Complicated By Mental Illness|url=http://www2.nami.org/Content/Microsites138/NAMI_Fort_Wayne_Indiana/Home128/Information_for_Spouses_and_Partners1/Boundaries.doc|website=National Alliance on Mental Illness|access-date=20 August 2015|archive-date=13 November 2014|archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20141113170523/http://www.nami.org/Content/Microsites138/NAMI_Fort_Wayne_Indiana/Home128/Information_for_Spouses_and_Partners1/Boundaries.doc|url-status=dead}}</ref> {| class="wikitable" |+Examples of boundaries and other responses !Situation !Response !Category |- | rowspan="2" |Someone drops by without an invitation or notice. |Telling the person that they have to stop coming over unannounced<ref name="Caron">{{Cite news |last=Caron |first=Christina |date=2025-09-18 |title=Setting Boundaries Doesn’t Mean What You Think |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2025/09/18/well/mind/setting-boundaries.html |access-date=2025-09-21 |work=The New York Times |language=en}}</ref> |{{no|Request for the other person to change}} |- |Not opening the door or letting the uninvited guest inside |{{yes|Personal boundary}} |- | rowspan="4" |Someone regularly discusses a sensitive subject. |Asking the person to not bring up that subject<ref name="Caron" /> |{{no|Request for the other person to change}} |- |Silently resolving not to let that person's view of the subject affect one's own values, beliefs, or thoughts<ref name="Caron" /> |{{yes|Personal boundary}} |- |Changing the subject to a mutually acceptable subject<ref name="Caron" /> |{{yes|Personal boundary}} |- |Not answering the phone if the person calls<ref name="Pearson" /> |{{yes|Personal boundary}} |- | rowspan="3" |Someone is communicating in a disrespectful manner. |Saying "Don’t talk to me that way"<ref name="Caron" /> |{{no|Request for the other person to change}} |- |Ignoring a disrespectful message<ref name="Caron" /> |{{yes|Personal boundary}} |- |Ending the conversation, with an invitation to continue it another time<ref name="Caron" /> |{{yes|Personal boundary}} |- |Someone frequently cancels plans at the last minute. |Avoiding making plans in advance with this person<ref name="Caron" /> |{{yes|Personal boundary}} |- | rowspan="2" |A stressful work situation bleeds into family and home life (or the other way around). |Naming what is happening (e.g., "I am still upset about it, even though I want to leave that problem at work") and making an effort to refocus on the immediate task or situation<ref name="Hersh">{{Citation |last=Hersh |first=Matthew A. |title=Supportive connections and healthy boundaries. |date=2022 |work=The thriving therapist: Sustainable self-care to prevent burnout and enhance well-being. |pages=331–341 |url=https://content.apa.org/books/17267-030 |access-date=2025-09-21 |place=Washington |publisher=American Psychological Association |language=en |doi=10.1037/0000309-030 |isbn=978-1-4338-3784-5|url-access=subscription }}</ref> |{{yes|Personal boundary}} |- |Using a physical ritual to help mentally separate work time from home time (e.g., taking a shower, putting on a uniform)<ref name="Hersh" /> |{{yes|Personal boundary}} |}

== Process == === Critical aspects === Boundary setting is the practice of openly communicating and asserting personal values as a way to preserve and protect against having them compromised or violated.<ref name="Johnson" /> The three critical aspects of managing personal boundaries are:<ref name=Johnson/>

* '''Defining values:''' A healthy relationship is an “inter-dependent” relationship of two “independent” people. Healthy individuals should establish values that they honor and defend regardless of the nature of a relationship (''core'' or ''independent'' values). Healthy individuals should also have values that they negotiate and adapt in an effort to bond with and collaborate with others (''inter-dependent values'').<ref name="Johnson" /> * '''Asserting boundaries:''' In this model, individuals use verbal and nonverbal communications to assert intentions, preferences and define what is ''inbounds'' and ''out-of-bounds'' with respect to their ''core'' or ''independent'' values.<ref>{{cite web|last1=Richmond PhD|first1=Raymond Lloyd|title=Boundaries|url=http://www.guidetopsychology.com/boundaries.htm|website=A Guide to Psychology and its Practice|accessdate=May 6, 2015}}</ref> When asserting values and boundaries, communications should be present, appropriate, clear, firm, protective, flexible, receptive, and collaborative.<ref>{{cite book|last1=Whitfield |first1=Charles L.|title=Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self|date=2010|publisher=HCI Books|isbn=978-1558742598|page=121|edition=2}}</ref> * '''Honoring and defending:''' Making decisions consistent with the personal values when presented with life choices or confronted or challenged by controlling people or people not taking responsibility for their own life.<ref name="Johnson" /> In a dysfunctional relationship, respecting one's own boundaries by honoring and defending them often provokes unwanted and uncomfortable responses from the people who are crossing the boundary lines.<ref name="Pearson" /> They may respond with disapproval, shame, resentment, pressure not to change the relationship, or other behaviors designed to restore the familiar old behavior patterns.<ref name="Pearson" />

Having healthy values and boundaries is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to a relationship dispute.<ref name=Johnson/>

Values are constructed from a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning.<ref>{{cite book|last1=Graham|first1=Michael C.|title=Facts of Life: ten issues of contentment|date=2014|publisher=Outskirts Press|isbn=978-1-4787-2259-5}}</ref><ref>Vanessa Rogers, ''Working with Young Men'' (2010) p. 80</ref> Jacques Lacan considers values to be layered in a hierarchy, reflecting ''“all the successive envelopes of the biological and social status of the person”''<ref>Jacques Lacan, ''Ecrits'' (1997) p. 16-7</ref> from the most primitive to the most advanced.

Personal values and boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people.<ref>Katherine, Anne Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day 2000</ref> These are sometimes referred to as the 'protection' and 'containment' functions.<ref name="Graham">{{cite book|last1=Graham|first1=Michael C.|title=Facts of Life: ten issues of contentment|date=2014|publisher=Outskirts Press|isbn=978-1-4787-2259-5|pages=159}}</ref>

=== Scope === The three most commonly mentioned categories of values and boundaries are: * '''Physical''' – Personal space and touch considerations;<ref name=Whitfield>{{cite book|first1=Charles L.|last1=Whitfield|title=Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self|date=2010|publisher=HCI Books|isbn=978-1-55874-259-8|edition=2|url=https://archive.org/details/boundariesrelati00whit|author1-link=Charles L. Whitfield}}</ref><ref name=kath>{{cite book|last1=Katherine|first1=Anne|title=Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin|date=1994|publisher=Hazelden|isbn=978-1-56838-030-8|page=5}}</ref><ref name=cloud>{{cite book|last1=Townsend|first1=John|last2= Cloud|first2=Henry|title=Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life|pages=245|date=1 November 1992|publisher=HarperCollins Christian Publishing|location=Nashville|isbn=978-0-310-58590-9|author1-link=John Townsend (author)|author2-link=Henry Cloud}}</ref> physical intimacy * '''Mental''' – Thoughts and opinions<ref name=Whitfield /><ref name=kath /><ref name=cloud /> * '''Emotional''' – Feelings; emotional intimacy

Some authors have expanded this list with additional or specialized categories such as spirituality,<ref name=Whitfield /><ref name=cloud /> truth,<ref name=cloud /> and time/punctuality.<ref name=anne>{{cite book|last=Katherine|first=Anne|title=Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day|url=https://archive.org/details/wheretodrawline00anne|url-access=registration|date=2000|pages=[https://archive.org/details/wheretodrawline00anne/page/16 16]–25|publisher=Simon and Schuster |isbn=9780684868066 }}</ref>

=== Assertiveness levels === Nina Brown proposed four boundary types:<ref>{{cite book|last=Brown|first=Nina W.|title=Coping With Infuriating, Mean, Critical People – The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern|date=2006|publisher=Bloomsbury Academic |isbn=978-0-275-98984-2}}</ref> * '''Soft''' – A person with soft boundaries merges with other people's boundaries. Someone with a soft boundary is easily a victim of psychological manipulation. * '''Spongy''' – A person with spongy boundaries is like a combination of having soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion than soft boundaries but more than those with rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure of what to let in and what to keep out. * '''Rigid''' – A person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if someone has been the victim of physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual abuse. Rigid boundaries can be '''selective''' which depend on time, place or circumstances and are usually based on a bad previous experience in a similar situation. * '''Flexible''' – Similar to spongy rigid boundaries but the person exercises more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, is resistant to emotional contagion and psychological manipulation, and is difficult to exploit.

=== Unilateral vs collaborative === There are also two main ways that boundaries are set:<ref name="Graham" />

* '''Unilateral boundaries''' – One person decides to impose a standard on the relationship, regardless of whether others support it. For example, one person may decide to never mention an unwanted subject and to make a habit of leaving the room, ending phone calls, or deleting messages without replying if the subject is mentioned by others.<ref name="Graham" /> * '''Collaborative boundaries''' – Everyone in the relationship group agrees, either tacitly or explicitly, that a particular standard should be upheld. For example, the group may decide not to discuss an unwanted subject, and then all members individually avoid mentioning it and work together to change the subject if someone mentions it.<ref name="Graham" />

== Situations that can challenge personal boundaries ==

=== Communal influences === Freud described the loss of conscious boundaries that may occur when an individual is in a unified, fast-moving crowd.<ref>{{cite journal|first=Sigmund|last=Freud|author-link=Sigmund Freud|title=Le Bon's Description of the Group Mind|journal=Civilization, Society and Religion|issue=PFL 12|pages=98–109}}</ref>

Almost a century later, Steven Pinker took up the theme of the loss of personal boundaries in a communal experience, noting that such occurrences could be triggered by intense shared ordeals like hunger, fear or pain, and that such methods were traditionally used to create liminal conditions in initiation rites.<ref>{{cite book|first=Steven|last=Pinker|title=The Stuff of Thought|url=https://archive.org/details/stuffthoughtlang00pink_302|url-access=limited|date=2007|page=[https://archive.org/details/stuffthoughtlang00pink_302/page/n413 403]|publisher=Penguin |isbn=9780670063277}}</ref> Jung had described this as the absorption of identity into the collective unconscious.<ref>{{cite book|last1=Jung|first1=Carl Gustav|title=Man and His Symbols|date=15 August 1968|publisher=Dell|isbn=978-0-440-35183-2|page=123}}</ref>

Rave culture has also been said to involve a dissolution of personal boundaries, and a merger into a binding sense of communality.<ref>{{cite book|last1=Jones|first1=Carole|title=Disappearing Men: Gender Disorientation in Scottish Fiction 1979–1999 (Scroll: Scottish Cultural Review of Language and Literature) (Book 12)|date=10 September 2009|publisher=Rodopi|isbn=978-9042026988|page=176}}</ref>

=== Unequal power relationships === Also unequal relations of political and social power influence the possibilities for marking cultural boundaries and more generally the quality of life of individuals.<ref>{{cite journal|first=Colin P. T.|last=Baillie|url=http://ir.lib.uwo.ca/totem/vol20/iss1/12/|title=Power Relations and its Influence in the Sphere of Globalization since World War II|journal=Journal of Anthropology|volume=20|issue=1|date=2012|access-date=31 March 2016}}</ref> Unequal power in personal relationships, including abusive relationships, can make it difficult for individuals to mark boundaries.

=== Dysfunctional families === This life skill is particularly applicable in environments with controlling people or people not taking responsibility for their own lives.<ref>{{cite book |author1=John Townsend |author1-link=John Townsend (author) |title=Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life |author2=Henry Cloud |author2-link=Henry Cloud |date=November 1, 1992 |publisher=HarperCollins Christian Publishing |isbn=9780310585909 |location=Nashville |pages=245}}</ref> * '''Overly demanding parents''' In the dysfunctional family the child learns to become attuned to the parent's needs and feelings instead of the other way around.<ref>{{cite book|last1=Lancer|first1=Darlene|title=Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You|date=2014|publisher=Hazelden|location=Minnesota|isbn=978-1-61649-533-6|pages=63–65}}</ref> * '''Overly demanding children''' Parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority. A parent can, nevertheless, be codependent towards a child if the caretaking or parental sacrifice reaches unhealthy or destructive levels.<ref>[http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/Patterns2-2011.htm Codependents Anonymous: Patterns and Characteristics] {{webarchive|url=https://web.archive.org/web/20130824075736/http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/Patterns2-2011.htm |date=2013-08-24 }}</ref> * '''Codependent relationships''' Codependency often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.<ref>{{cite web|title=Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence|url=http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/|website=coda.org|publisher=Co-Dependents Anonymous|access-date=25 June 2011}}</ref> While a healthy relationship depends on the emotional space provided by personal boundaries,<ref>{{cite book|first=Patrick|last=Casement|title=Further Learning from the Patient|location=London|date=1990|page=160}}</ref> codependent personalities have difficulties in setting such limits, so that defining and protecting boundaries efficiently may be for them a vital part of regaining mental health.<ref name="Weinhold">{{cite book|last1=Weinhold|first1=Barry|last2=Weinhold|first2=Janae|title=Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap|date=28 January 2008|publisher=New World Library|location=Novato|isbn=978-1-57731-614-5|pages=192, 198|edition=Second}}</ref> In a codependent relationship, the codependent's sense of purpose is based on making extreme sacrifices to satisfy their partner's needs. Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person does not have self-sufficiency or autonomy. One or both parties depend on the other for fulfilment.<ref>{{cite web|last1=Wetzler|first1=Scott|title=Psychology division chief at Albert Einstein College of Medicine|url=http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship|publisher=WebMD|access-date=5 December 2014}}</ref> There is usually an unconscious reason for continuing to put another person's life {{nowrap|first{{tsp}}{{mdash}}}}{{tsp}}often the mistaken notion that self-worth comes from other people.

* '''Mental illness in the family''' People with certain mental conditions are predisposed to controlling behavior including those with obsessive compulsive disorder, paranoid personality disorder,<ref>{{Cite news|last=Goldberg|first=Joseph|title=Paranoid Personality Disorder |url=http://webmd.com/mental-health/paranoid-personality-disorder|date=23 May 2014|access-date=20 October 2014}}</ref> borderline personality disorder,<ref>{{cite book|last=Braiker|first=Harriet B.|title=Who's Pulling Your Strings? How to Break The Cycle of Manipulation|date=2006}}</ref> and narcissistic personality disorder,<ref>{{cite book|last1=Brown|first1=Nina|title=Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents|date=1 April 2008|publisher=New Harbinger Publications|isbn=978-1-57224-561-7|page=35|edition=Second}}</ref> attention deficit disorder,<ref name="cermak">{{cite journal|last1=Cermak|first1=Timmen L.|title=Diagnostic Criteria for Codependency|journal=Journal of Psychoactive Drugs|date=1986|volume=18|issue=1|pages=15–20|doi=10.1080/02791072.1986.10524475|pmid=3701499}}</ref> and the manic state of bipolar disorder.<ref name="cermak" /> * '''Borderline personality disorder (BPD):''' There is a tendency for loved ones of people with BPD to slip into caretaker roles, giving priority and focus to problems in the life of the person with BPD rather than to issues in their own lives. Too often in these relationships, the codependent will gain a sense of worth by being "the sane one" or "the responsible one".<ref>{{cite web|last1=Danielle|first1=Alicia|title=Codependency and Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Spot It|url=http://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/codependency-and-borderline-personality-disorder-how-to-spot-it.html|publisher=Clearview Women's Center|access-date=5 December 2014|date=2012-06-07|archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20141207072107/http://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/codependency-and-borderline-personality-disorder-how-to-spot-it.html|archive-date=7 December 2014|url-status=dead}}</ref> Often, this shows up prominently in families with strong Asian cultures because of beliefs tied to the cultures.<ref>{{Cite journal|last=Hong|first=Soo Jung|title=Gendered Cultural Identities: The Influences of Family and Privacy Boundaries, Subjective Norms, and Stigma Beliefs on Family Health History Communication|journal=Health Communication|volume=33|issue=8|pages=927–938|doi=10.1080/10410236.2017.1322480|pmid=28541817|issn=1041-0236|year=2018|s2cid=26967012}}</ref> * '''Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD):''' For those involved with a person with NPD, values and boundaries are often challenged as narcissists have a poor sense of self and often do not recognize that others are fully separate and not extensions of themselves. Those who meet their needs and those who provide gratification may be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and expected to live up to their expectations.<ref>{{cite book|last1=Hotchkiss|first1=Sandra, LCSW|title=Why Is It Always About You? (Chapter 7)|publisher=Free Press|location=New York|isbn=978-0-7432-1428-5|date=2003-08-07|url=https://archive.org/details/whyisitalwaysabo00sand}}</ref>

== References == {{Reflist|30em}}

== Further reading == * {{cite book|last1=Cloud|first1=Henry|last2=Townsend|first2=John|title=Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No|date=1992|publisher=Thomas Nelson Publishing|isbn=978-0-310-24745-6|url-access=registration|url=https://archive.org/details/boundarieswhento00henr|author1-link=Henry Cloud|author2-link=John Townsend (author)}} * {{cite book|last1=Bottke|first1=Allison|title=Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children|date=2008|publisher=Harvest House Publishers |isbn=978-0-7369-2135-0}} * {{cite book|last1=Katherine|first1=Anne|title=Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin|date=1994|publisher= Hazelden |isbn=978-1-56838-030-8}} * {{cite book|last1=Whitfield|first1=Charles|title=Boundaries and Relationships|date=1994|publisher=HCI Books|isbn=978-1-55874-259-8|url=https://archive.org/details/boundariesrelati00whit|author1-link=Charles L. Whitfield}} * {{cite book|last1=Hawkins|first1=David|title= Setting Boundaries on Unhealthy Relationships|date=2007|publisher=Harvest House Publishers|isbn=978-0-7369-1841-1}}

Category:Life skills Category:Popular psychology Category:Interpersonal communication