{{Short description|Chinese women who have married gay men}} {{Italic title}} '''''Tongqi''''' ({{Lang-zh|c=同妻|p=Tóngqī}}; {{Small|Mandarin pronunciation:}} {{IPAc-cmn|t|ong|2|.|q|i|1}}) is the neologism for Chinese women who have married gay men. Similarly, '''''tongfu''''' ({{Lang-zh|c=同夫|p=Tóngfū}}; {{Small|Mandarin pronunciation:}} {{IPAc-cmn|t|ong|2|.|f|u|1}}) is the corresponding neologism for Chinese men who have married lesbian women. Liu Dalin, among the first sexologists in mainland China, estimated that 90% of gay men in China marry a heterosexual woman. By comparison, 15–20% of gay men married women in the United States as of 2010.<ref name="economist 18 march">{{Cite news |date=2010-03-18 |title=Homosexuality in China |url=http://www.economist.com/world/asia/displaystory.cfm?story_id=15731324 |publisher=The Economist}}</ref> Sexologist and sociologist Li Yinhe believes there are 20 million male homosexuals in China, of whom 80% marry women.<ref name="Shanghaiist 24 june">{{Cite web |date=3 May 2022 |title=Li Yinhe on homowives |url=http://shanghaiist.com/2009/06/24/li-yinhe-homowives.php |publisher=Shanghaiist}}</ref> {{Infobox Chinese | c = 同妻<ref name="Shanghaiist">{{Cite web |date=3 May 2022 |title=Tongqi （同妻）, the wives of homosexuals |url=http://shanghaiist.com/2010/03/19/word_of_the_day_tongqi_the_wives_of.php |publisher=Shanghaiist}}</ref> | p = tóngqī | mi = [tʰʊ̌ŋ.tɕʰí] | j = tung4 cai1 | altname = Tongfu | c2 = 同夫<ref name="Shanghaiist">{{Cite web |date=3 May 2022 |title=Tongqi （同妻）, the wives of homosexuals |url=http://shanghaiist.com/2010/03/19/word_of_the_day_tongqi_the_wives_of.php |publisher=Shanghaiist}}</ref> | p2 = tóngfū | mi2 = [tʰʊ̌ŋ.fú] | j2 = tung4 fu1 }} Gay Chinese men are under social pressure to marry and produce a male heir to continue the family line, as Confucian writers such as Mencius have placed a strong emphasis on this.<ref name="economist 18 march" /> Until 2016, the one-child policy put additional pressure on these gay Chinese men to pass down their family name.<ref name=":0">{{Cite journal |last=Cheng |first=Fung Kei |date=2016-12-31 |editor-last=Halsall |editor-first=Jamie |title=I want to come forward: Voices from Chinese tongqi |journal=Cogent Social Sciences |volume=2 |issue=1 |article-number=1158343 |doi=10.1080/23311886.2016.1158343 |issn=2331-1886 |doi-access=free}}</ref> Women are also forced into these relationships due to the fear of becoming leftover women, and also face pressure to start a family.
Because ''tongqi'' often face such extreme difficulties, such as physical and emotional abuse from their husbands, they have developed coping strategies and have found places where they are understood and supported by others, such as online support groups.<ref name=":1" /> However, there are very few ways for ''tongqi'' to find the support they need outside of these groups, meaning that finding a way to permanently reduce these marriages is crucial.
==Etymology== The word combines {{linktext|同}} ''tong'' from {{zhi|c=同性戀}} (''tongxinglian'' 'homosexuality') or {{zhi|c=同志}} (''tongzhi'', a slang term for 'gay') with {{linktext|妻}} ''qi'' ('wife').<ref name="economist 18 march" /> Similarly, ''tongfu'' ({{linktext|同|夫}}) combines {{linktext|同}} ''tong'' with {{linktext|夫}} ''fu'' ('husband').
==Life== Very few of the women who enter into these marriages are aware that their spouses are gay.<ref name="Huff Post" /> Many women have turned to social media because it allows them to maintain anonymity while expressing their feelings about being married to gay men. The majority of these women worry more about the social stigma of being divorced in Chinese society than they do about being in a loveless marriage. For the men, the shame of being stigmatized as homosexual causes them to enter these marriages in the first place.<ref name="Shenzhen" /> In addition to the emotional toll of being married to a man who does not desire them physically, nearly 90% of these women suffer physical abuse and "sexual apathy" from their husbands.<ref name="China Daily">{{Cite web |last=Huiying |first=Zhou |title=Survey: Women who marry gay men suffer abuse |url=http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2015-04/18/content_20464623.htm |access-date=7 June 2015 |website=China Daily}}</ref> Many women who are married to gay men in China are dependent on the men for financial survival. Even with a divorce, they can be left with social and financial hardships.<ref name="Quartz">{{Cite web |last=Huang |first=Zheping |date=2 March 2015 |title=China's "homowives" are becoming unlikely champions for gay rights |url=http://qz.com/329575/chinas-homowives-are-becoming-unlikely-champions-for-gay-rights/ |access-date=7 June 2015 |website=Quartz}}</ref> Only around 30% of ''tongqi'' marriages end in divorce, according to a recent survey.<ref name="China Daily" /> Divorce laws in China do not allow women to seek a dissolution of marriage from their husbands if they are gay.<ref name="Shenzhen">{{Cite web |last=Li |first=Yinhe |title=Tongqi, women in the shadow of gay husbands |url=http://www.szdaily.com/content/2011-11/29/content_6268880.htm |access-date=7 June 2015 |website=Shenzhen Daily}}</ref>{{failed verification|date=September 2020|reason=Nowhere does the given reference say that divorce laws in China do not allow women to seek a dissolution of marriage if their husbands are gay. The reference speaks of reluctance due to social pressure and even gives multiple examples of women who did indeed divorce their gay husbands.}}
''Tongqi'' also struggle because of the lack of understanding they face from both widespread Chinese society and their families. Even if ''tongqi'' find out about their husbands' sexuality and demand a divorce, their families often call their behavior and actions unreasonable, leading to additional problems with their senses of identity.<ref name=":1">{{Cite journal |last1=Tang |first1=Lu |last2=Meadows |first2=Cui |last3=Li |first3=Hongmei |date=2020-01-02 |title=How gay men's wives in China practice co-cultural communication: Culture, identity, and sensemaking |url=https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/17513057.2019.1569252 |journal=Journal of International and Intercultural Communication |volume=13 |issue=1 |pages=13–31 |doi=10.1080/17513057.2019.1569252 |issn=1751-3057|url-access=subscription }}</ref> As mentioned above, they also deal with struggles when trying to divorce their husbands, as they are unable to produce evidence of cheating since the Chinese government does not officially recognize same-sex infidelity as cheating or cause for a divorce.<ref name=":1" /> Even if they continue with divorce proceedings, it is probable that the husbands will gain custody of their children, since courts will often favor the parent that has greater financial stability, meaning ''tongqi'' often don't file for divorce for fear of losing their children and money.<ref name=":1" /> Finally, ''tongqi'' are at a much higher risk for both physical and emotional problems, such as sexual health issues, partner violence, mental health problems, and marriage dissatisfactions.<ref>{{Cite journal |last1=Wang |first1=Yuanyuan |last2=Wilson |first2=Amanda |last3=Chen |first3=Runsen |last4=Hu |first4=Zhishan |last5=Peng |first5=Ke |last6=Xu |first6=Shicun |date=2020 |title=Behind the Rainbow, "Tongqi" Wives of Men Who Have Sex With Men in China: A Systematic Review |journal=Frontiers in Psychology |volume=10 |page=2929 |doi=10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02929 |issn=1664-1078 |pmc=6971106 |pmid=31993006 |doi-access=free}}</ref>
After ''tongqi'' realize that their husbands are gay, there are many types of assimilation and accommodation practices that they have used to regain control of their lives and their senses of identity. Both aggressive and assertive accommodation practices have been used by ''tongqi'' in order to assert their dominance and seek permanent changes.<ref name=":1" /> Often, the goal of accommodation for these ''tongqi'' was to find better lives and empower themselves, but many also expected their husbands could simply change and become loving partners, showing the challenges that arise from a lack of education surrounding homosexuality.<ref name=":1" /> However, many have used assimilation tactics instead, in an effort to carry on with their marriages in a somewhat content way, despite the challenges that they sometimes faced with having indifferent husbands.<ref name=":1" />
== Causes == Within China, there is much stigma that surrounds the idea of being gay, meaning that many men do not want to come out for fear of facing political, social, and cultural discrimination.<ref>{{Cite journal |last1=Wang |first1=Yuanyuan |last2=Hu |first2=Zhishan |last3=Peng |first3=Ke |last4=Rechdan |first4=Joanne |last5=Yang |first5=Yuan |last6=Wu |first6=Lijuan |last7=Xin |first7=Ying |last8=Lin |first8=Jiahui |last9=Duan |first9=Zhizhou |last10=Zhu |first10=Xuequan |last11=Feng |first11=Yi |last12=Chen |first12=Shitao |last13=Ou |first13=Jianjun |last14=Chen |first14=Runsen |date=2020-05-12 |title=Mapping out a spectrum of the Chinese public's discrimination toward the LGBT community: results from a national survey |journal=BMC Public Health |volume=20 |issue=1 |page=669 |doi=10.1186/s12889-020-08834-y |issn=1471-2458 |pmc=7216475 |pmid=32397988 |doi-access=free}}</ref> This leads men to enter into relationships with straight women, since it is easier for them to marry women than to come out as gay.<ref name=":1" /> In addition to this, there is also pressure on these men to continue their family bloodlines, causing them to enter into relationships with women only to please their families and have children.<ref name=":0" /> Many even plan to divorce their wives after the baby is delivered, meaning that ''tongqi'' have to then deal with the stigma of being divorced, often without even knowing why or if they did something wrong.<ref name=":0" />
However, there are also reasons that straight women jump into marriages with gay men. Because the fear of becoming a leftover woman is so great and there is such a high emphasis on family values for Chinese women, many enter relationships and marriages very quickly in order to find a partner within a certain time frame.<ref name=":1" /> They also do not have access to education explaining sexuality and homosexuality due to stigma within China, meaning that they often do not know any better when entering relationships with homosexual men.<ref name=":1" />
== Coping strategies == One of the most important ways that ''tongqi'' learn to cope with their situations is through the usage of online support groups.<ref name=":1" /> Since Chinese society and the people that these ''tongqi'' are close to often do not recognize the issues that they deal with, they have found solace in support groups with other people who have gone through similar experiences.<ref name=":1" /> This can give them additional confidence within their own identity and lead them to take a stand against their husbands and file for divorces.<ref name=":1" /> Organizations like the ''China Wives of Gay Men Mutual Aid Studio'' provide ways to raise awareness about ''tongqi'' and homosexuality within China in an effort to protect ''tongqi'' rights and reduce the number of people that deal with these issues.<ref name=":0" /> However, despite the strong influence that these support groups can have on the lives of ''tongqi'', they are essentially the only resource that ''tongqi'' have, since there are no official organizations to support them.<ref name=":0" /> This can further lead to stigmatization and victimization, meaning that many have realized the importance of looking for ways to permanently change the Chinese government's policies.<ref name=":0" />
==Changes== A lot of these women are speaking out against China's policy against same sex marriage beyond chat rooms. Recently, ''tongqi'' have been seen marching in Hong Kong's gay rights parade to bring visibility to their plight.<ref name="Quartz" /> A new trend among Chinese gay men and lesbian is arrangements called cooperation marriages,<ref name="Quartz" /> where they marry each other publicly while living with a same sex partner in private.<ref name="Huff Post">{{Cite web |last=Burgess |first=Richard |date=10 July 2013 |title=China's 'Homowives' |url=http://www.huffingtonpost.com/richard-burger/china-homowives_b_3574084.html |access-date=7 June 2015 |website=Huffington Post}}</ref> There are services which are available to assist in the matching of gay men to lesbians for the purposes of marriage.<ref name="PRI">{{Cite web |last=Morris |first=Ruth |title=Same-sex unions? Not quite. In China, a gay man and a lesbian woman get married... to each other |url=https://theworld.org/stories/2015/04/01/feeling-pressure-produce-grandchild-chinas-gay-men-and-lesbian-women-are-getting |access-date=7 June 2015 |website=PRI|date=April 2015 }}</ref> Research has been conducted about the plight of ''tongqi'' by the Harbin Institute of Technology for the first time that encourages the acceptance of gays, to reduce the number of women subjected to these marriages.<ref name="China Daily" />
== See also == {{Portal|LGBTQ}} *Beard (companion) *Lavender marriage *{{section link|Religion and homosexuality|Confucianism}} *Fag hag
== References == {{Reflist}}
== Further reading == * {{Cite journal |last=Zhu |first=Jingshu |date=12 September 2017 |title='Unqueer' kinship? Critical reflections on 'marriage fraud' in mainland China |journal=Sexualities |volume=21 |issue=7 |pages=1075–1091 |doi=10.1177/1363460717719240 |pmc=6195130 |pmid=30443157 |doi-access=free}}{{open access}} {{Religion and homosexuality}}
Category:Chinese culture Category:Confucian ethics Category:Filial piety Category:LGBTQ marriage Category:Religion and LGBTQ people Category:Neologisms Category:Chinese words and phrases Category:Sham marriage Category:Wives Category:Women in China